The Patriarchy Isn't Working Anymore

A client of mine recently posed the wise question, “what is the feminine word for the concept of Misogyny?” I have her explicit permission to share this. We couldn’t think of the feminine version of misogyny. Can you? The definition of misogyny is being strongly prejudiced against women. If I think about misogyny and how it feels, I would say that misogyny includes elements of belittling, objectification, and trying to have power over women. The only comparable word that we could come up with for the feminine concept that may be on the other side of the gender spectrum for misogyny was the word “feminism,” which is actually defined as the advocacy of women’s rights on the basis of equality of sexes. Misogyny seems to become enlarged as women’s rights become more equal. Misogynistic backlash seems to become stronger in ways as the patriarchy, the rule of men, shifts toward a more equal model between all sexes. This blog post is a reflection on patriarchy as it relates to current systems of capitalism, race, and gender, and how this system affects mental health.

Many cultures have followed/ still follow a patriarchy model. Specifically in the United States, I think that the patriarchy refers to men in power, who are mostly white men. When examining patriarchy, it's essential to acknowledge its ties to capitalism. When I think about capitalism, I think about colonialism, the roots of which were white men and women colonizing the global majority of people who are brown. The legacy of colonialism includes mass murder, ownership, profit, and the destruction of well-functioning societies for the profit of less well-functioning ones. Fast forward to capitalism, another power-involved game about survival and ownership, depending on what part of the capitalistic system you are buying into, and who you are choosing to help make rich in some cases. Production, ownership, and desires have far surpassed what many of us need on a base level, often at the blind expense of our physical environment. Capitalism and the people who want to profit the most may cause the end of our species, because there are no limits to how much damage we will cause to the environment for the sake of money. Capitalism is not a well-functioning village; it has disrupted the sense of community and connection.

Let’s talk about power. Money is one way that people wield power. Until recently, men were the only ones who could make money within many societies. Weilding power is the act of leveraging something that someone else needs to get what you want, to act how you want, to feel in control. For women, power and value have been placed on thinness, beauty, and fertility. When I think about racism, I think about white people wielding the power and privilege and profit of being white to continue to have the money, to act the way that they want, to treat people of color below them, or to avoid people of color thus not having to “think about race”. Capitalism and the patriarchy have rewarded the white person who performs to “the way,” which is geared towards being wealthy and having connections high up. The standard of perfection in school and in job performance has long been associated with success. In Hollywood, success is defined by perfect beauty and behavior in the public eye.

In examining the role of patriarchy, it's necessary to evaluate into its manifestation within our past institutional structures, one being the church. Historically religious institutions been imbued with patriarchal values, often reinforcing traditional gender roles and perpetuating power imbalances. The hierarchical structure of many religious institutions tends to place men in authoritative positions, limiting the role of women to subordinate or supporting positions.

The concept of original sin, often rooted in religious doctrines, has been used to justify the subjugation of women, casting them as the temptresses responsible for the fall of humanity. This narrative reinforces harmful stereotypes and contributes to the unequal treatment of women within religious communities. The exclusion of women from leadership roles, including priesthood or clergy positions, further solidifies the patriarchal nature of many religious organizations. The stigma associated with challenging these interpretations over the centuries has often silenced dissent and reinforces the power dynamics inherent in patriarchal structures. Marriage has been used to control female virginity and imply ownership within relationships.

Now I will share my personal take: the patriarchy isn’t working for anyone. The same racist white people who abused people of color raised their own children. And those children did not suffer the way that people of color suffered by their hand, but they didn’t get away unscathed. I see the damage of the patriarchy in everyone. I see the cycle of abuse being passed from father and mother to sons and daughters. Almost everyone that I see as a therapist is ready to fire the patriarchy; it’s not working for anyone anymore.

How do we all use our humanity to drive our society? How do we respect each other, share, and be kind? In a society where we all need each other, we have more motive to behave and get along. But it’s within human nature to wield power, to murder, to fight over land and ownership and resources, to want to be “up one” from each other.

The generation of white people that raised my parents were promised certain things. They were promised good jobs and houses and cars if they worked hard enough and behaved. The men of that generation were expected to make the money and be respected by their wives and children, and the women were expected to run the household and raise the children. The village never existed for them. Some men felt pressure and frustration, and were in some cases angry for their responsibility as the provider, and took their anger out on their families. Women and children were dependent and bore the brunt of the anger. Men fell ill, drank too much, acted out. Women tolerated cheating and abuse. And by extension, so did their children.

Now let’s think about the generation that they raised. Some people followed this model, or an amended version of it. Some women fought tooth and nail to make anything near equal to what men could make. People rebelled. Some men stopped wanting to work, some women were the sole financial laborers (and in some cases at-home laborers as well) of the family. The men of that generation still benefited from their privilege, even when they weren’t buying into the role of making money, by believing that they could act however they wanted without repercussions. Many of them were never (and will never be) held accountable. The children of my generation were also abused by their power trips in many cases.

Now let’s look at the millennials and then Gen Z, who were raised mainly by the boomers and Gen X. These generations have begin rebelling against relational ownership culture and rape culture, are shifting in ways to instead employ non-monogamy and polyamory, consent, and callout culture. We’ve all suffered and we’re all fed up. What we watched our parents do feels egregious. We don’t understand and we don’t want to. We live in a world where the old white men still prioritize boosting up the young white men, but we are all challenging it, even (some of) the young men who are being boosted up. The boomers are ranting and raving as they enter their 70s and 80s; their power and privilege are slipping away from them in every tantrum motion. And what we are left with is a need to heal, to de-program, to unwind from a society that is still capitalistic, that is still sick, that we can’t live comfortably in but can’t live at all without.

Gender has been a binary concept on a mainstream level. The binary is beginning to fall apart. We are all becoming welcome to share elements of gender neutrality or of embodying all genders. The concept and roles of the genders are becoming looser and fluid within the millennials and within Gen Z. I would say that many of us are confused about gender roles at this point; the old “rules” aren’t applying as easily to the new generation. With marriage being a religious and financial construct, the newer generations are in some ways less sure whether or not marriage is necessary at all. With the looming insecurity of our environment collapsing at an alarming rate, many are unsure whether it is wise to have children at all.

Roe v. wade was overturned in the United States last year. Femicide is being committed in massive swaths in Mexico. One in four women are still reporting being raped, and those numbers don’t include those who haven’t reported. Men and Male identified humans are also sexually assaulted, and many don’t report it at all, and don’t seek treatment. The patriarchy is still fighting hard to exist. As the world becomes more modern and things begin to shift, there seems to be a backlash. I would like to proclaim that the patriarchy is no longer working for any of us. We have a lot of healing to do on a societal level. Many of us are working through fear conditioning in relationships from abusive past relationships with parents, and they are often reacting to and propagating the abuse from their parents. People must confront how they’ve internalized and propagated this abuse, within themselves and within others. We must hold that internalized relationship accountable to heal it, and one way to start is with how we treat ourselves and the people around us.

Bianca Aarons LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist in San Francisco. Bianca’s specialties include attachment, trauma, C-PTSD, sexual abuse, post traumatic stress, relationship issues, depression issues, couples work and work with teenagers. Learn more about Bianca at www.biancaaarons.com, email her at BiancaAaronsMFT@gmail.com, or call her at (415) 553-5346 to ask any questions or to set up a consultation session.