A reflection on Social and Mental Health Recovery after a Pandemic: Recovering from the Loneliness Epidemic

The Beginning

In May three years ago, the lockdown had just been extended for a third time in the bay area.  The lead up to the first lockdown had been murky.  There were talks and fears of Coronavirus,  and of the growing crisis in China in November and December of 2019. Although the threat of a pandemic was possible,  it was too eerie to consider as a reality yet.  There have been so many false alarms for pandemics over the years,  and none of them had come to fruition of a global crisis.  But this time, the news was relentless, and the reality of a pandemic grew closer. 

There were people who would dismiss the reality, and there were people who were convinced that the pandemic would happen. One thing was consistent: everyone was aware of the potential risk in the months leading up to the initial lockdown. 

I remember driving passed the Grand Princess Cruise ship, docked in Oakland, in early March, aware that there were 21 cases of Covid on that ship, that was the point when the reality of the pandemic started to enter my life. I knew that it was coming, and I knew that it would be big.  Several tech companies had already given their employees permission to work from home. And as a therapist, I was questioning at what point it would be safer and more ethical for me to move my practice to fully remote. I made the decision over the weekend, with the news of Coronavirus in the US flooding onto my devices. I went to three grocery stores that weekend, many of which had empty shelves already, buying a month’s worth of supplies. Two days later, the Bay Area officially instated the first shelter in place, a two week lockdown, which ended up being extended for multiple months.

The early days could be classified by shock, trauma, the unknown, classified by a mix of fear and excitement. I remember many reaching out to colleagues, friends, family, making sure everyone was okay. In the beginning, tolerating a lockdown to keep everyone safe seemed doable to many, especially with the time cap of a two week shelter in place order. Everyone landed in different situations. Some people were in secure relationships with secure jobs, others didn’t know what they would do without being able to work. People lived with roommates, with partners, with family, or alone.  Whatever situation one was, you were stuck there. For the period of shutdown, everything stood still.

Fear.  That was a theme of the early days.  What could this virus do? How contagious was it? Was the virus fatal?  These are questions in which no one yet had the answer.  Everyone responds differently to fear, everyone has a different natural fear response. Some people dismiss fear, and for some people, maybe they were inclined to dismiss covid. There were risk takers early on, people who were not afraid of getting or spreading covid. Some people froze, locked down in an extreme way, didn’t even think of leaving the house, not for a walk, not to take out the trash. Many people started wiping their groceries down with bleach, cleaning their houses incessantly.  Fear impacts people differently.  The unknown can elicit a universe of fear. In those early days, we begin to fear other humans, fear getting covid from being outside at all. Without knowledge, there weren’t limits to fears.

The Lockdown that never ends

The number of deaths continued to grow. We were given more information, for example, it’s an airborne illness. Most people who get it don’t end up in the hospital, but the fatality rate is much higher than the flu, and there is no cure. It’s extremely contagious.  There aren’t enough N95 masks. Nurses are dying, hospitals are flooding.  Almost all news is pandemic related news. Social media and Apps are getting better, people are using Zoom to connect. Most social contact is coming from a device. People are processing what they have lost, the sadness of death, the fear that it could be them. Some people haven’t worked in months.  Government assistance kicks in for some people and not for others.  The other side of this is that things are pretty cozy and unchanging at home.  People are eating all home cooked meals, maybe some people are developing substance use disorders, others are making bread. People live in their pajamas. Habits are forming. There are no transitions: to and from work, to therapy, to a workout class.  Time is melting together.  Nothing seems to be changing. We are forgetting how to talk to strangers, how to make new friends, how to smile at people, how to have small talk. Social anxiety and “stranger danger” are increasing.  Focus and the ability to get work done are decreasing.  Parents are the most tired they’ve ever been, kids are losing years of education and socialization. Domestic violence is reaching an all time high in many homes. Poverty is affecting the families that can’t earn money.

This is where I’d like to name that many different humans, across many different cities, had completely different pandemics.  And this is a spot where relatives and friends started disagreeing and fighting with each other at times.  Politics split the pandemic into different realities, different safety levels.  In the Bay Area specifically, we had one of the most extreme lockdowns.  This is partially because we could, because many people did have the privilege of being remote indefinitely.  And when the Bay did reopen, it was a different place, because so many people had left, and so many businesses could not afford to survive.

I would like to talk about the emotional arc of the pandemic, to some extent.  Here is what I saw.  Fear was one of the only feelings that people could feel early on.  And if fear was too much to feel, people would dissociate instead, shut things out.  Tara Brach, a well known psychologist and Buddhist teacher,  would say that we’ve forgotten who we are in the trance of fear.  Within a fear response,  play, joy,  and light-heartedness shuts down.  Grief came next.  Grief of what we lost, grief of the world as we knew it, grief that it would never be the same.  People stopped being able to watch hard things, read the news at times,  and grieve.  Breakups felt harder.  Sadness was intolerable; so many feelings were.  What I noticed is that people stopped being able to grow as humans, on a higher level.  Obsessive thinking and OCD behaviors became worst.  Here we were, with the most free time we have maybe had in our entire lives, and all of our aspirations to learn instruments, to write books, to start companies could not, in many cases, be actuated.  Health care workers, therapists, and teachers have never been more busy, and at a certain point, begin to burn out.

With everyone going through the same trauma at the same time, there wasn’t much space to help other people,  because we were all suffering.  There were very little emotional resources to go around. No one was really “ok”. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. With each new day of lockdown and isolation, weeks on end of no social contact in some cases, we were in an exponentially growing mental health crisis. All the therapists I know were completely full the entire pandemic. If you already had a therapist, you were probably holding on tight to that therapist.  If you didn’t, you were probably fighting hard to find one. With lockdown, vacations stopped happening for therapists and for many people. With that went our reason to take a break from our work. With the insecurity around the economy long term, many people who had jobs and healthcare were terrified to lose those things. 

Trump, George Floyd,  Differing opinions,  “False News”

Navigating Political Dynamics in the Pandemic

We entered the pandemic during a time when our country was severely divided politically. The novel and severe challenges of the pandemic were intensified by the leadership of President Donald Trump, who seemed to dismiss and minimize the risk of Covid. The political landscape became a focal point, with divergent opinions on the severity of the virus and the efficacy of public health measures contributing to a deeply divided narrative. The dynamics surrounding Trump's approach added a layer of complexity to the pandemic, showcasing the intricate relationship between political decisions and public health outcomes with maximum risk of the outcomes failing. The laws became a state by state decision, which led the people of the united states to be living in completely different pandemics, ranging from completely shut down job markets and local economies to cities that did not seem to be experiencing a pandemic at all. And even worst, in a time of crisis where a society could come together, ours begin to split apart at the seems, leading to political and social unrest, an insurrection, and violence against our government that we haven’t witnessed in our modern society.

George Floyd Tragedy and Societal Unrest

In the midst of the pandemic's chaos, and with many peoples undivided attention on social media, we witnessed on camera the heart breaking and completely unjust death of George Floyd in May. Watching a black man be murdered for no reason by the police ignited a long due rage and awakening around racsicm in the US, sparking a wave of protests and reigniting conversations about systemic racism and police brutality. The intersection of a global health crisis and the fight for social justice highlighted the interconnected challenges facing society. Differing perspectives emerged, both on the streets and in online spaces, reflecting a broader societal awakening to deeply rooted issues. The events surrounding George Floyd's death became a pivotal moment, propelling the ongoing struggle for racial equality and social justice into the forefront of public consciousness.

Media Narratives: Divergent Opinions and the Challenge of "False News"

The information landscape during the pandemic witnessed a surge in divergent opinions and the proliferation of misinformation. The term "fake news" gained prominence as conflicting narratives about the virus, its origins, and potential treatments inundated public discourse. Having a leader who believed in, and focused on disparaging the news created information mayhem in our country. Disparate views on public health measures, mask-wearing, and the gravity of the virus fueled impassioned debates, often amplified within echo chambers on social media platforms. The infodemic, characterized by the rapid dissemination of both accurate and inaccurate information, underscored the critical need for media literacy and discernment in navigating the intricate information landscape during times of crisis.

People are your enemy: Judgement

With so much fear came extreme judgement, and judgement on differing opinions.  Everyone had an opinion. Many people had different opinions. People fought, friendships ended over these differing opinions.  Some people were very cautious and stopped hanging out with those who weren’t. Some people were less worried and didn’t think that they needed to wear a mask in certain spaces.  The concept of consent was tested often, paranoia rolled out with how honest others were being with their safety practices. Many felt like they were in an open relationship with everyone in their life,  having to discuss their other relationships and the risk factors involved.   

The rollout of vaccinations and of Getting Covid

With the successful vaccine trials and the near future of being vaccinated, many saw a glimpse of hope in sight for how we had all been living, and for the impending fear of death.  Hope on the Horizon: Initial Vaccine Rollout

The initial phases of the vaccine rollout marked a pivotal moment of hope in the battle against the pandemic. Frontline workers and high-risk populations took center stage, receiving the first doses as a testament to the prioritization of those most vulnerable to the virus. The sight of healthcare professionals and essential workers receiving their vaccinations became a symbol of progress, signaling the beginning of the end of a long and arduous journey. Yet, there was also fear about the vaccine. Was it safe? what were the long term affects? could the vaccine cause damage to us?

Expanding Access: Broadening Vaccine Eligibility

As the initial phases progressed, a concerted effort was made to expand vaccine access to a wider population. Eligibility criteria broadened to encompass various age groups, underlying health conditions, and essential worker categories. Mass vaccination sites, community clinics, and mobile units played a crucial role in ensuring widespread accessibility. This phase marked a shift towards reaching the general population, instilling a sense of collective responsibility and a shared commitment to achieving widespread immunity. Within this phase, it seemed that people were competing to get vaccinated, and those who managed to get vaccinated first felt guilty that they were taking away the chances from someone more vulnerable.

Vaccine Hesitancy and Education

Despite the positive momentum, challenges emerged in the form of vaccine hesitancy. The dissemination of accurate information and education about vaccine safety and efficacy became paramount. Health authorities, community leaders, and influencers engaged in outreach efforts to address concerns, dispel myths, and encourage widespread vaccination. This phase highlighted the importance of transparent communication and community engagement in fostering public confidence and promoting the greater good.

Recovery

Rebuilding Connections

As the vaccination rollout progressed and the grip of the pandemic begins to loosen, there arose a collective yearning to rebuild connections that were strained or severed during the tumultuous period. The resilience of human relationships was tested, and the process of reconnecting demanded patience and understanding. The shared experience of navigating through unprecedented challenges may serve as a foundation for empathy, fostering a renewed appreciation for the importance of community and human connection. Some people raced towards connection, others continued to live in the pandemic life that they had build for themselves, not yet ready to leave their cacoon.

Addressing Emotional Aftermath

The emotional aftermath of the pandemic has been nuanced and varied, reflecting the diverse ways individuals coped with fear, grief, and isolation. We Mental health professionals have foun ourselves at the forefront, guiding individuals through the process of introspection, healing, and rediscovery. One thing that became worst was social anxiety. Regularly interacting with strangers and acquaintances felt difficult and tiring, people had to evaluate if they wanted to make new friends after such a traumatic world event. Embracing vulnerability become paramount as individuals confronted the lingering effects of the prolonged uncertainty. The journey to emotional recovery involves acknowledging the impact, processing complex emotions, and crafting strategies to navigate a post-pandemic world with resilience and self-compassion.

Rediscovering Resilience

In the wake of a global loneliness epidemic, the process of recovery has extended beyond restoring the status quo. Our priorities have been defined and rewritten. We’ve had a lot of time to reflect.  The lessons learned during the pandemic, though challenging, provide an opportunity for personal and societal growth. Resilience becomes a beacon guiding individuals towards a future marked by adaptability, compassion, and a deeper understanding of the interconnectedness of humanity.

The Biggest Existential Crisis of Our Time

We lost everything about our way of life, and we were forced to evaluate what was important to us, as we were unsure that the world would ever return to how things were before. As we tentatively step into the "new normal," the lessons learned during the pandemic are being negotiated with work life balance. The recalibration of social norms, the reshaping of work environments, and the ongoing impact on mental health underscore the need for a mindful and intentional approach to the post-pandemic era. As things become busy again, we remember how we did things back then and we choose to do things differently, knowing that a pandemic is possible again. The journey of recovery invites individuals and communities to actively participate in shaping a future that prioritizes well-being, connection, and a collective commitment to fostering a more resilient and compassionate society.

“I Can’t Breathe” – How To Not Accept What Is Unacceptable, From a Therapist’s Perspective

George Floyd was murdered on camera, by police officers, on May 25th, 2020. The world is in a pandemic. We have just learned how to respond to a global crisis. And now, hopefully, we will respond to systemic racism and police brutality with the same amount of response and action.

There are a lot of painful things in the world, and mental health can be difficult to maintain in the light of taking everything in, even in the pre pandemic world, which was already a lifetime ago. If we let all of the pain into our hearts and our psyches all of the time, we would drown. Ignoring the pain of the world is a defense mechanism that we have formed to cope with our daily realities, with the news, with death, with the pandemic, with war. Ignoring the pain of racism is a privilege, a privilege only allotted to those who have basic safety in the world because they are not in danger walking down the street, from the police, the people who are meant to protect us. Please stop ignoring this privilege, fear, and pain. Because it’s painful for a reason. And it is imperative to treat the cause of the pain as a crisis.

When one accepts racism and murder as a reality, when one accepts police brutality against Black people as “the way things are”, they are normalizing something that is not normal, thus training themselves to accept a truth that is not true. In psychological terms, this concept fits somewhere in between societal gaslighting and mystification. We could also call this dissociation, it’s a type of splitting off of reality and of emotion.  The concept behind “un- intentional” is that it is unconscious. And in the case of normalized, systemic racism across a country over hundreds of years, it is the collective unconscious, which is the unconscious agreement of how things are within a group of people.  The concept behind “intentional” is that we have agency, we have a choice to make something conscious, to be conscious, to purposely choose our awareness. In the case of America, our violence against Black lives has been intentional in our past and in our present.  And our choice to ignore this or not fight this may have been “un-intentional”(and intentional as well, by many groups of Americans over the years), but now that America is finally trying to pay attention, we must choose to be intentional, and to be conscious.

Let’s think about the pain. Unlike a breakup or childhood trauma, which is rooted in the past or the recent past and is a concrete event that has happened, the pain that we feel when we consider what has happened to George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Arbery is in the present. Systemic racism is happening in our present, on a daily basis. We attempt to understand what is happening and the grief that we feel with each murder, but understanding what is happening and preventing future murders requires us to see this as something bigger, like a wound that does not go away even when the pain from yesterday has passed. What happens emotionally when one feels that they are trapped in a hopeless situation is that they shut down, and collapse into hopelessness. That is how many people may feel in the face of creating change. Instead of facing that pain every time they see a new death of an unarmed Black person on the news, they may shut it out or dissociate it out to cope with their daily life. This is a defense mechanism, and it’s a privilege only allotted to the people in society who can afford it, in this case, people with white privilege who can afford to not think about it because they are not in danger, and they do not fear that their death (or the death of a loved one) will be next.

Stop ignoring your feelings and your pain. It is there because the wound is being continuously opened. We are still all sick, we all have a disease and the pain is the symptom. Murder is the symptom. White privilege is the symptom. Misuse of power, via whiteness of skin and police brutality, is the symptom. We are still all agreeing to these terms of systemic racism on the level of the collective unconscious by choosing to brush off each death, minimize the extreme injustice, the hatred that ignites within us, the disgust that we experience in our gut, when we think about how wrong it is, really.

Are you white? Let’s talk about shame and guilt.  Let me go first. I have privilege that I benefit from: this makes me feel guilty. I don’t know how to be a good ally or how to talk about racism without saying or doing something wrong. This brings up extreme, crippling shame within me. How could I not know? I am a part of the problem. I don’t already know, because I haven’t had to know. Because I haven’t had to learn, from an early age, what it’s like to be treated differently, what it’s like to be in danger, what it’s like to make a system work for me that was made to benefit someone else. I haven’t had to fight, to work extra hard to get the same grade, to be extra good to not get in trouble, to have to be three times more well behaved than everyone else just to not be made bad for not being white. I haven’t had to evaluate, on a daily basis, whether or not people are being racist towards me, in normal interactions at the grocery store or walking down the street.

 When I feel shame I shut down. In shameful situations that are not race related, that’s ok. When it comes to making mistakes around race (and white fragility) that’s the worst because then, I may unintentionally make it about me, and people then feel obligated to take care of me. But ultimately, it’s not about me. And, it’s also not about you right now, if you benefit from white privilege. A goal is to ideally push past the shame and  continue to try to be a better ally and to educate myself in how to do so if I make mistakes around race. That is my responsibility at this point as a white person. Shame and guilt are normal feelings for white people in this dynamic, they must be acknowledged and moved through swiftly so that one can continue to learn and try to stand up for injustice. They must be put aside so that one can instead acknowledge the guilt and rage of the injustices that are happening.

Let’s talk about power dynamics and the history of racism- up until the present time. America has the darkest of histories. White people came to the united states, killed Native Americans, and stole their land. White people kidnapped Africans and forced them into slavery. White Americans actively tortured and lynched Black Americans. Our history is bloody. People with power will always actively resist giving away their power. We are still seeing that today. Most of the senators, judges, and people in congress are White Americans. Most of the millionaires and Billionaires are White Americans. People in power are reticent to dismantle the system because then it will not serve them anymore. This is where white Americans who would like to dismantle white privilege and systemic racism must use their intentionality and awareness. By voting, and actually doing research. By supporting grassroot organizations and candidates. By choosing to support POC businesses and organizations, and choosing to withdraw support from corporate organizations that hold all the power.

So just to recap, systemic racism is a crisis in society that must be treated. Just like, say, coronavirus, it will get much worst if you ignore it, and it takes a lifestyle change, care, consciousness, and intention to heal. Most people will ignore the symptoms of an illness until their lives are threatened. In this case, people of color are having their lives threatened. But everyone is living in the environment that causes coronavirus. And in order to heal this environment, everyone must pay attention to the symptoms, our feelings, our gut. We just changed our entire lives to flatten the curve for the vulnerable during coronavirus. Can we change our lives to protect the vulnerable to police brutality and racism?

If you feel terrible after hearing about a racist event, a racist comment, a racist person, or the way that systemic intergenerational racism affects people, great, you have what we call “normal empathy”.  If you feel stuck and frozen about what to do, you are probably in a freeze response- induced by fear or shame.  Now is the time to change this freeze response to a fight response. Anger is not the enemy, it is an indicator that we need to change something. It is a protective emotion that helps us protect those that we care about. If we ignore our feelings,  we also ignore our care and our desire to make changes.

We are at a critical moment. If you are an American, you have a choice to fight, or not to fight. This week was a turning point. People are choosing (or not choosing) to pay attention. Couples are finding that it may be a deal breaker if their partner doesn’t care about fighting injustice as much of them. Many people are re-evaluating who they would like to be in this civil rights and social justice fight with, and who they’d like to leave behind. We are in an important historical moment. Who will you be in this moment?

Resources for Allyship and futher education:

An Antiracist Starter Pack:   https://parade.com/1046031/breabaker/anti-racist-tv-movies-documentaries-ted-talks-books/?fbclid=IwAR3sGgZGymDMnl8qvJGYZcihVaqYgAP0lNEIjXmTCaAg_1qN7blSgVYmWNg

Antiracism Resources for White People: https://docs.google.com/document/u/1/d/1BRlF2_zhNe86SGgHa6-VlBO-QgirITwCTugSfKie5Fs/mobilebasic?fbclid=IwAR3SVmtbdTi1nZaT6E_qmipBR6S0_hnj6PJN3g_74AvYlCOnzsigqGw3378