“I Can’t Breathe” – How To Not Accept What Is Unacceptable, From a Therapist’s Perspective

George Floyd was murdered on camera, by police officers, on May 25th, 2020. The world is in a pandemic. We have just learned how to respond to a global crisis. And now, hopefully, we will respond to systemic racism and police brutality with the same amount of response and action.

There are a lot of painful things in the world, and mental health can be difficult to maintain in the light of taking everything in, even in the pre pandemic world, which was already a lifetime ago. If we let all of the pain into our hearts and our psyches all of the time, we would drown. Ignoring the pain of the world is a defense mechanism that we have formed to cope with our daily realities, with the news, with death, with the pandemic, with war. Ignoring the pain of racism is a privilege, a privilege only allotted to those who have basic safety in the world because they are not in danger walking down the street, from the police, the people who are meant to protect us. Please stop ignoring this privilege, fear, and pain. Because it’s painful for a reason. And it is imperative to treat the cause of the pain as a crisis.

When one accepts racism and murder as a reality, when one accepts police brutality against Black people as “the way things are”, they are normalizing something that is not normal, thus training themselves to accept a truth that is not true. In psychological terms, this concept fits somewhere in between societal gaslighting and mystification. We could also call this dissociation, it’s a type of splitting off of reality and of emotion.  The concept behind “un- intentional” is that it is unconscious. And in the case of normalized, systemic racism across a country over hundreds of years, it is the collective unconscious, which is the unconscious agreement of how things are within a group of people.  The concept behind “intentional” is that we have agency, we have a choice to make something conscious, to be conscious, to purposely choose our awareness. In the case of America, our violence against Black lives has been intentional in our past and in our present.  And our choice to ignore this or not fight this may have been “un-intentional”(and intentional as well, by many groups of Americans over the years), but now that America is finally trying to pay attention, we must choose to be intentional, and to be conscious.

Let’s think about the pain. Unlike a breakup or childhood trauma, which is rooted in the past or the recent past and is a concrete event that has happened, the pain that we feel when we consider what has happened to George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Arbery is in the present. Systemic racism is happening in our present, on a daily basis. We attempt to understand what is happening and the grief that we feel with each murder, but understanding what is happening and preventing future murders requires us to see this as something bigger, like a wound that does not go away even when the pain from yesterday has passed. What happens emotionally when one feels that they are trapped in a hopeless situation is that they shut down, and collapse into hopelessness. That is how many people may feel in the face of creating change. Instead of facing that pain every time they see a new death of an unarmed Black person on the news, they may shut it out or dissociate it out to cope with their daily life. This is a defense mechanism, and it’s a privilege only allotted to the people in society who can afford it, in this case, people with white privilege who can afford to not think about it because they are not in danger, and they do not fear that their death (or the death of a loved one) will be next.

Stop ignoring your feelings and your pain. It is there because the wound is being continuously opened. We are still all sick, we all have a disease and the pain is the symptom. Murder is the symptom. White privilege is the symptom. Misuse of power, via whiteness of skin and police brutality, is the symptom. We are still all agreeing to these terms of systemic racism on the level of the collective unconscious by choosing to brush off each death, minimize the extreme injustice, the hatred that ignites within us, the disgust that we experience in our gut, when we think about how wrong it is, really.

Are you white? Let’s talk about shame and guilt.  Let me go first. I have privilege that I benefit from: this makes me feel guilty. I don’t know how to be a good ally or how to talk about racism without saying or doing something wrong. This brings up extreme, crippling shame within me. How could I not know? I am a part of the problem. I don’t already know, because I haven’t had to know. Because I haven’t had to learn, from an early age, what it’s like to be treated differently, what it’s like to be in danger, what it’s like to make a system work for me that was made to benefit someone else. I haven’t had to fight, to work extra hard to get the same grade, to be extra good to not get in trouble, to have to be three times more well behaved than everyone else just to not be made bad for not being white. I haven’t had to evaluate, on a daily basis, whether or not people are being racist towards me, in normal interactions at the grocery store or walking down the street.

 When I feel shame I shut down. In shameful situations that are not race related, that’s ok. When it comes to making mistakes around race (and white fragility) that’s the worst because then, I may unintentionally make it about me, and people then feel obligated to take care of me. But ultimately, it’s not about me. And, it’s also not about you right now, if you benefit from white privilege. A goal is to ideally push past the shame and  continue to try to be a better ally and to educate myself in how to do so if I make mistakes around race. That is my responsibility at this point as a white person. Shame and guilt are normal feelings for white people in this dynamic, they must be acknowledged and moved through swiftly so that one can continue to learn and try to stand up for injustice. They must be put aside so that one can instead acknowledge the guilt and rage of the injustices that are happening.

Let’s talk about power dynamics and the history of racism- up until the present time. America has the darkest of histories. White people came to the united states, killed Native Americans, and stole their land. White people kidnapped Africans and forced them into slavery. White Americans actively tortured and lynched Black Americans. Our history is bloody. People with power will always actively resist giving away their power. We are still seeing that today. Most of the senators, judges, and people in congress are White Americans. Most of the millionaires and Billionaires are White Americans. People in power are reticent to dismantle the system because then it will not serve them anymore. This is where white Americans who would like to dismantle white privilege and systemic racism must use their intentionality and awareness. By voting, and actually doing research. By supporting grassroot organizations and candidates. By choosing to support POC businesses and organizations, and choosing to withdraw support from corporate organizations that hold all the power.

So just to recap, systemic racism is a crisis in society that must be treated. Just like, say, coronavirus, it will get much worst if you ignore it, and it takes a lifestyle change, care, consciousness, and intention to heal. Most people will ignore the symptoms of an illness until their lives are threatened. In this case, people of color are having their lives threatened. But everyone is living in the environment that causes coronavirus. And in order to heal this environment, everyone must pay attention to the symptoms, our feelings, our gut. We just changed our entire lives to flatten the curve for the vulnerable during coronavirus. Can we change our lives to protect the vulnerable to police brutality and racism?

If you feel terrible after hearing about a racist event, a racist comment, a racist person, or the way that systemic intergenerational racism affects people, great, you have what we call “normal empathy”.  If you feel stuck and frozen about what to do, you are probably in a freeze response- induced by fear or shame.  Now is the time to change this freeze response to a fight response. Anger is not the enemy, it is an indicator that we need to change something. It is a protective emotion that helps us protect those that we care about. If we ignore our feelings,  we also ignore our care and our desire to make changes.

We are at a critical moment. If you are an American, you have a choice to fight, or not to fight. This week was a turning point. People are choosing (or not choosing) to pay attention. Couples are finding that it may be a deal breaker if their partner doesn’t care about fighting injustice as much of them. Many people are re-evaluating who they would like to be in this civil rights and social justice fight with, and who they’d like to leave behind. We are in an important historical moment. Who will you be in this moment?

Resources for Allyship and futher education:

An Antiracist Starter Pack:   https://parade.com/1046031/breabaker/anti-racist-tv-movies-documentaries-ted-talks-books/?fbclid=IwAR3sGgZGymDMnl8qvJGYZcihVaqYgAP0lNEIjXmTCaAg_1qN7blSgVYmWNg

Antiracism Resources for White People: https://docs.google.com/document/u/1/d/1BRlF2_zhNe86SGgHa6-VlBO-QgirITwCTugSfKie5Fs/mobilebasic?fbclid=IwAR3SVmtbdTi1nZaT6E_qmipBR6S0_hnj6PJN3g_74AvYlCOnzsigqGw3378

Take Responsibility: It Will Change Your Life.

Do you feel like your life is out of your control? Do the same bad things seem to be happening to you over and over again? Do you feel powerless to what happens to you in relationships, with jobs, and with friends?  If so, then I am sorry to hear it, and I think that there may be a solution for you.  

The world can be a difficult and unpredictable place.  Bad things happen to people all the time. Unfortunately,  when someone has experienced a traumatic event that is out of their control, one might feel powerless and like other people are responsible for how they feel. And to some extent,  they aren’t wrong. Other people make choices that impact us. There is no doubt about that. Someone may choose a fate for you, one that you would have never chosen for yourself.  And this is where things get tricky, because if you are a victim of a crime or an assault, alcoholic or narcissistic parents, or relationships with controlling people, you may have forgotten that you too, have agency, and you too, can continue to make decisions that can affect the outcomes of not the past, but of the present and forward.

Let me tell you about taking personally responsibility and how it will change you life. Lets first talk about what it means to take responsibility.  Taking responsibility is owning that you may be acting in a way that is propagating your current situation. For example, if you are in a bad relationship with someone who is selfish. Maybe you made a mistake and didn’t know what the warning signs were. That’s ok. There is no need to blame or shame yourself. But you also don’t need to continue to suffer.  A way to take responsibility is to own that, although maybe you made a mistake, you are choosing now to stay in this relationship, and it is therefor your responsibility to choose to stay or to decide to leave.  

Please do not mistake someone telling you to take responsibility for victim blaming.  If something terrible has happened to you, such as a sexual assault, a car accident, or an attack, that’s not your fault. You cannot take responsibility for the actions of another who has harmed you.  You cannot change the past, and you cannot stop bad things from happening. You can, however,  take responsibility for yourself as much as possible. Going to therapy to explore your beliefs in the world, your tendencies in relationships, and what responsibility you are taking to heal, be accountable to others, and choose to surround yourself with supportive people can be helpful.  

And this is how it will change your life:  once you take responsibility for yourself and for your actions, you might find that you feel empowered, because when you believe that you have agency and you can change your situation,  you may realize that you are making choices for yourself, as opposed to the world around you making choices for you.

Bianca Aarons LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist in San Francisco . Bianca’s specialties include attachment, trauma, sexual abuse, post traumatic stress, relationship issues, depression issues, couples work and work with teenagers. Learn more about Bianca at www.biancaaarons.com, email her at BiancaAaronsMFT@gmail.com, or call her at (415) 553-5346 to ask any questions or to set up a consultation session. 

Attachment Decoded

What are people talking about when they bring up attachment styles? It seems like all the hype right now for the single, the painfully attached, and the hopelessly romantic, navigating their relationships, breakups, and dating lives. Below I will attempt to provide a simplified, savvy way of describing attachment for all to understand.

Everyone has a specific attachment style based on their unique relationships and relationship history, both with their family systems and with others around them. Our attachment styles predict how we show up in a relationship and how we feel about relationships.  Some people have very solid relationships and have an easier time becoming close with friends, holding jobs, and maintaining long-term and stable relationships. Others struggle to become attached or feel that attachment is very painful. These styles can mimic our earliest attachments, starting from our birth. They can also be beliefs we picked up along the way based on dating abandonments and failures, moving school systems and having to start over, or having betrayals within relationships. Loosing a loved one that we are close with can also affect our want or ability to attach again.

Attachment styles are commonly linked to and affected by fear responses.  A more in depth description of the 4 fear responses can be found in my previous blogs.  The 4 fear responses are the flight response, the fight response, the freeze response, and the cling response. If our past relationships have given us a reason to believe that we have a reason to be afraid of the other, whether we are afraid that they will cheat on us, fire us, abandon us, or need too much of us, our fear responses may be activated within a relationship at work, with friends, and with romantic partners.

Below are some brief descriptions of the Attachment Styles:

Secure Attachment- Attachment is easy for this person. They are responsive to others,  they are good at expressing feelings, they feel things consistently, but maybe not deeply all of the time. They are emotionally regulated and put together.   There is no fire because they know how to put a fire out before it begins. Securely attached people don’t struggle to express whether they are sad or angry, and because of this, they have a tendency to move through feelings quickly and don’t hold things against you.  Securely attached people are known for being in long term, stable relationships. Securely attached people can date insecurely attached people without it being difficult, because the work of being in a relationship is second nature to them.  It is said that, with a lot of work, an insecurely attached person can “earn” a secure attachment style.

Anxious Attachment -This is a person who may be calm and feel relatively normal until they begin to date someone, at which time, they feel constant fear and insecurity. Think “cling” response; some people will cling to others when they are afraid. This is because they have had the experience in relationships of being threatened by an abandonment, ie, having someone leave them. They will do anything to stay in a good place with you, they will sacrifice their own needs, they will consider changing themselves, because they are afraid that you will leave. Their constant texting and need for you could end up being the thing that drives you away, especially if you tend to be more ambivalent or avoidant in relationships.  An anxiously attached person is in a lot of pain in relationships, most likely because they had to fight so hard to get their relational needs met from an early age on, and they know that the first step to getting any need met is to take care of the other. These people do best with securely attached people, but they will intuitively choose an insecurely attached partner to try and work through their past Karma.

Avoidant Attachment-  Someone who is avoidant tries to avoid having serious feelings in general, mostly by having a series or string of casual sexual interactions that never become more than that. Thing the “flight” response- they may run away when threatened by closeness.  An avoidant person is actually anxious underneath it all but they have a hard time letting themselves feel the full extent of that by guarding themselves from closeness. Their parents were likely very anxious, very controlling, or over involved- and not in an emotional way.  Or, they just weren’t really there at all.

Ambivalent Attachment- Someone with an ambivalent attachment style has an immensely difficult time deciding what they want. They will consistently swing between being anxious and avoidant on a daily basis.  Think "freeze" response- they are in a freeze of fear about what to do. They can’t make up their mind about you, about what job they want, about where they want to live. They are terrified in being trapped in a relationship because they don’t know what they need, and even if they did, they wouldn’t know that there was a possibility of getting the need met or how to go about asking for it.

Disorganized Attachment -Maybe this person will be fine one minute, and extremely angry or sad the next, over the drop of a hat. The “fight” response is most commonly displayed in this attachment style.  Maybe they will attach very quickly so someone, or to multiple people. Someone who is disorganized will feel a lot of confusion in relationships, and will not know whether or not you are a safe person to trust. Disorganized attachment is a more rare attachment style. Unfortunately, severe trauma, such as repetitive childhood sexual abuse, repetitive physical abuse, and severe early childhood divorce situations often lead to a disorganized attachment style

Healing Attachment Wounding

1.     Awareness is the first step.

2.     Noticing your tendencies in relationships

3.     Trying to be aware of what you are feeling in your triggered moments, of wanting to text, of becoming angry,  of wanting to walk away. Pause before acting your feelings out.

4.     Being able to recognize and communicate your needs to others.

5.     Being allowed to have all of your feelings of disappointment and anger alongside your happier feelings.

6.     Trying something new in a relational interaction that you would never have tried before, in your family or with past relationships

7.     Individual therapy, couples therapy, group therapy- healing through relationships and relational awareness can be a powerful tool

8.     Reading books such as “Attached”, by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller

9.     Visiting home and family with a  new lens

10. Talking to friends

I want to name a couple of important things here.  The purpose of using attachment theory is to help understand yourself a little better, or to help put words and meaning to things that do didn't have words for before.  It's not meant to put a permanent label on you, stick you in a category, or judge you.  It's my belief that someone can have one attachment style, forever, and another person can have multiple attachment styles at the same time.  Also, we can move from being anxious into being avoidant into being secure- our attachment changes with each partner we have and with our own will to grow.  The interaction of two humans coming together can create an anxious relationship, or a secure one, ect.  There is hope here, we aren't doomed to our attachments forever.

Bianca Aarons LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist in San Francisco's Duboce Triangle area. Bianca’s specialties include attachment, trauma, sexual abuse, post traumatic stress, relationship issues, depression issues, couples work and work with teenagers. Learn more about Bianca at www.biancaaarons.com, email her at BiancaAaronsMFT@gmail.com, or call her at (415) 553-5346 to ask any questions or to set up a consultation session.

What It Has Been Like To Be a Sexual Abuse Survivor During The 2016 Presidential Elections

It’s November 9th. The polls are in. Many are shocked and amazed that their worst fears have been realized: Donald Trump is the president of the united stated of America. And many of us wonder, how did it come to be, and what does it mean.

   As a psychotherapist who specializes in Sexual Abuse Trauma,  I would like to look back on this election through the lens of what it has been like for sexual abuse survivors to watch this election and vote in this election.  I would like to bring a voice to sexual violence, for it is traditionally and societally silenced. Why is it silenced, and why is it important that trump won the election despite clearly having views on consent and sexuality that represent Sexual Abuse? I would like to tell you in a clear and consolidated way why it’s such a big deal.

            Many people I know who are survivors of sexual abuse trauma have reported terrible dreams during this election, specifically after the second debate. The dreams include flashbacks of their sexual abuse and their perpetrators. It has become my life work to grapple with this type of trauma, and it has become my professional work to be a therapist for sexual abuse trauma, to run groups for survivors in need, and to be the voice that is repressed and silenced.

Since before the election even started, I have been worried.  One in Three women are sexually assaulted in this country. Surprised? It’s surprising, especially considering that most cases are not pursued legally or even talked about at all.  Hillary Clinton, from the beginning, has represented something to not only women, but to the LBGTQ population, to less privileged populations. She is a woman standing up against patriarchy to become a president.  This gave other women, minorities, and anyone really who has suffered from patriarchal systems a glimpse of  hope. But the threat in this election is much more than just patriarchy- Its Donald Trump himself, and what he represents.  It’s Brock Turner.  It’s the Rich, White, Wealthy men getting a slap on the wrist for “grabbing by the pussy” or raping an unconscious woman. It’s the fact that our country chose a xenophobic racist billionaire as the president instead of a woman. It’s the fact that, when people do stand up to their perpetrators, their perpetrators often times win with a smirk on their face. I know that my words are maybe a simplified version of the complexities of the election, but the themes cannot be denied.

  This Election is personally triggering for sexual abuse survivors, and for Women, LBGTQ Folk, Men, Minorities, Immigrants, and Underprivileged populations alike, because that same message that one got from society when they were originally assaulted has just been reinserted with the Election:  Someone who is unsafe has power over you and you will be out of control. I encourage those to fight for what they believe in and I strive to illuminate the voice and the experience for sexual abuse survivors who wish to be heard and seen right now.

Bianca Aarons LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist in San Francisco through the auspices of the Grateful Heart Holistic Therapy Center. Bianca’s specialties include attachment, trauma, sexual abuse, post traumatic stress, relationship issues, depression issues, couples work and work with teenagers. Learn more about Bianca at www.biancaaarons.com, email her at BiancaAaronsMFT@gmail.com, or call her at (415) 553-5346 to ask any questions or to set up a consultation session.