The Human Condition

   As a mental health professional, and someone who is a curious human being in general, I spend a large amount of time trying to understand the complexities of human emotions and the reasons for the pleasure and pain that humans can experience on a regular basis. The underlying question is this:  are humans always bound to return to “suffering”, regardless of what we do? Is it the human condition to experience loss and sadness, forever, along side happiness and pride and excitement?

    As a therapist I must ask myself this question repeatedly as it is part of my job to help people with their suffering. If there were a “happy” pill to take away sadness, people wouldn’t go to therapy at all.  If there were a pill to take away sadness, would we every really feel happy, though? Would there really be light if there were no darkness?  If the human condition is to swing between emotional well-being and emotional suffering, then would we really know happiness without knowing what pain feels like?

    I don’t try to talk my clients, my friends, or myself out of being unhappy.  Mostly because I have learned that being unhappy is not permanent, and I don’t think that ignoring or burying the pain will really make it go away faster.  I do, however, strive to work with the meaning of the pain.  For example, if someone is consistently depressed over a long period of time, they may think that this means that they will always be depressed, which is not necessarily the case.  But every time that they are depressed thereon after, when they return to sadness, the meaning that they make may be that they are still sad and that they will always be sad.  On the other side of 10 years of steps to becoming a therapist and practicing therapy, I have formed the opinion that the point of therapy might not be to eliminate the sadness, but rather, to learn let people in when you are suffering as to not be alone. I now understand therapy as being the practice of reaching out in the suffering, and learning to be with another in suffering, as to learn to repeat this in your outside life, as to surround yourself with those people in your life who understand and who also don’t want to be alone in suffering. 

  For hundreds of thousands of years before this point in time, it was our purpose to survive on a daily basis.  Our survival needs were forefront to our emotional issues.  Finding food, clean water, safety, warmth, and other basic survival needs kept us from the daily suffering that we now experience in absence of the basic will to survive.  Struggles now have become making enough money, not feeling isolated, finding meaningful relationships, and finding meaning in general for our purposes on a daily basis.  Our survival needs have manifested differently and they are now not what we spend every second of every day thinking about, or fighting for.  So if you are feeling depressed, overwhelmed, hopeless, and like your life is existentially pointless, it might be helpful to think about spending some time in the wilderness, conceptualizing how you would go about finding food if you didn’t have any, how you might build a shelter, how you could keep warm. And if you feel like you are the only one in the world suffering right now, it might be helpful to talk to someone to discover that you could possibly be understood by another person and potentially many others. 

Bianca Aarons LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist in San Francisco . Bianca’s specialties include attachment, trauma, sexual abuse, post traumatic stress, relationship issues, depression issues, couples work and work with teenagers. Learn more about Bianca at www.biancaaarons.com, email her at BiancaAaronsMFT@gmail.com, or call her at (415) 553-5346 to ask any questions or to set up a consultation session.

Attachment Decoded

What are people talking about when they bring up attachment styles? It seems like all the hype right now for the single, the painfully attached, and the hopelessly romantic, navigating their relationships, breakups, and dating lives. Below I will attempt to provide a simplified, savvy way of describing attachment for all to understand.

Everyone has a specific attachment style based on their unique relationships and relationship history, both with their family systems and with others around them. Our attachment styles predict how we show up in a relationship and how we feel about relationships.  Some people have very solid relationships and have an easier time becoming close with friends, holding jobs, and maintaining long-term and stable relationships. Others struggle to become attached or feel that attachment is very painful. These styles can mimic our earliest attachments, starting from our birth. They can also be beliefs we picked up along the way based on dating abandonments and failures, moving school systems and having to start over, or having betrayals within relationships. Loosing a loved one that we are close with can also affect our want or ability to attach again.

Attachment styles are commonly linked to and affected by fear responses.  A more in depth description of the 4 fear responses can be found in my previous blogs.  The 4 fear responses are the flight response, the fight response, the freeze response, and the cling response. If our past relationships have given us a reason to believe that we have a reason to be afraid of the other, whether we are afraid that they will cheat on us, fire us, abandon us, or need too much of us, our fear responses may be activated within a relationship at work, with friends, and with romantic partners.

Below are some brief descriptions of the Attachment Styles:

Secure Attachment- Attachment is easy for this person. They are responsive to others,  they are good at expressing feelings, they feel things consistently, but maybe not deeply all of the time. They are emotionally regulated and put together.   There is no fire because they know how to put a fire out before it begins. Securely attached people don’t struggle to express whether they are sad or angry, and because of this, they have a tendency to move through feelings quickly and don’t hold things against you.  Securely attached people are known for being in long term, stable relationships. Securely attached people can date insecurely attached people without it being difficult, because the work of being in a relationship is second nature to them.  It is said that, with a lot of work, an insecurely attached person can “earn” a secure attachment style.

Anxious Attachment -This is a person who may be calm and feel relatively normal until they begin to date someone, at which time, they feel constant fear and insecurity. Think “cling” response; some people will cling to others when they are afraid. This is because they have had the experience in relationships of being threatened by an abandonment, ie, having someone leave them. They will do anything to stay in a good place with you, they will sacrifice their own needs, they will consider changing themselves, because they are afraid that you will leave. Their constant texting and need for you could end up being the thing that drives you away, especially if you tend to be more ambivalent or avoidant in relationships.  An anxiously attached person is in a lot of pain in relationships, most likely because they had to fight so hard to get their relational needs met from an early age on, and they know that the first step to getting any need met is to take care of the other. These people do best with securely attached people, but they will intuitively choose an insecurely attached partner to try and work through their past Karma.

Avoidant Attachment-  Someone who is avoidant tries to avoid having serious feelings in general, mostly by having a series or string of casual sexual interactions that never become more than that. Thing the “flight” response- they may run away when threatened by closeness.  An avoidant person is actually anxious underneath it all but they have a hard time letting themselves feel the full extent of that by guarding themselves from closeness. Their parents were likely very anxious, very controlling, or over involved- and not in an emotional way.  Or, they just weren’t really there at all.

Ambivalent Attachment- Someone with an ambivalent attachment style has an immensely difficult time deciding what they want. They will consistently swing between being anxious and avoidant on a daily basis.  Think "freeze" response- they are in a freeze of fear about what to do. They can’t make up their mind about you, about what job they want, about where they want to live. They are terrified in being trapped in a relationship because they don’t know what they need, and even if they did, they wouldn’t know that there was a possibility of getting the need met or how to go about asking for it.

Disorganized Attachment -Maybe this person will be fine one minute, and extremely angry or sad the next, over the drop of a hat. The “fight” response is most commonly displayed in this attachment style.  Maybe they will attach very quickly so someone, or to multiple people. Someone who is disorganized will feel a lot of confusion in relationships, and will not know whether or not you are a safe person to trust. Disorganized attachment is a more rare attachment style. Unfortunately, severe trauma, such as repetitive childhood sexual abuse, repetitive physical abuse, and severe early childhood divorce situations often lead to a disorganized attachment style

Healing Attachment Wounding

1.     Awareness is the first step.

2.     Noticing your tendencies in relationships

3.     Trying to be aware of what you are feeling in your triggered moments, of wanting to text, of becoming angry,  of wanting to walk away. Pause before acting your feelings out.

4.     Being able to recognize and communicate your needs to others.

5.     Being allowed to have all of your feelings of disappointment and anger alongside your happier feelings.

6.     Trying something new in a relational interaction that you would never have tried before, in your family or with past relationships

7.     Individual therapy, couples therapy, group therapy- healing through relationships and relational awareness can be a powerful tool

8.     Reading books such as “Attached”, by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller

9.     Visiting home and family with a  new lens

10. Talking to friends

I want to name a couple of important things here.  The purpose of using attachment theory is to help understand yourself a little better, or to help put words and meaning to things that do didn't have words for before.  It's not meant to put a permanent label on you, stick you in a category, or judge you.  It's my belief that someone can have one attachment style, forever, and another person can have multiple attachment styles at the same time.  Also, we can move from being anxious into being avoidant into being secure- our attachment changes with each partner we have and with our own will to grow.  The interaction of two humans coming together can create an anxious relationship, or a secure one, ect.  There is hope here, we aren't doomed to our attachments forever.

Bianca Aarons LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist in San Francisco's Duboce Triangle area. Bianca’s specialties include attachment, trauma, sexual abuse, post traumatic stress, relationship issues, depression issues, couples work and work with teenagers. Learn more about Bianca at www.biancaaarons.com, email her at BiancaAaronsMFT@gmail.com, or call her at (415) 553-5346 to ask any questions or to set up a consultation session.

What It Has Been Like To Be a Sexual Abuse Survivor During The 2016 Presidential Elections

It’s November 9th. The polls are in. Many are shocked and amazed that their worst fears have been realized: Donald Trump is the president of the united stated of America. And many of us wonder, how did it come to be, and what does it mean.

   As a psychotherapist who specializes in Sexual Abuse Trauma,  I would like to look back on this election through the lens of what it has been like for sexual abuse survivors to watch this election and vote in this election.  I would like to bring a voice to sexual violence, for it is traditionally and societally silenced. Why is it silenced, and why is it important that trump won the election despite clearly having views on consent and sexuality that represent Sexual Abuse? I would like to tell you in a clear and consolidated way why it’s such a big deal.

            Many people I know who are survivors of sexual abuse trauma have reported terrible dreams during this election, specifically after the second debate. The dreams include flashbacks of their sexual abuse and their perpetrators. It has become my life work to grapple with this type of trauma, and it has become my professional work to be a therapist for sexual abuse trauma, to run groups for survivors in need, and to be the voice that is repressed and silenced.

Since before the election even started, I have been worried.  One in Three women are sexually assaulted in this country. Surprised? It’s surprising, especially considering that most cases are not pursued legally or even talked about at all.  Hillary Clinton, from the beginning, has represented something to not only women, but to the LBGTQ population, to less privileged populations. She is a woman standing up against patriarchy to become a president.  This gave other women, minorities, and anyone really who has suffered from patriarchal systems a glimpse of  hope. But the threat in this election is much more than just patriarchy- Its Donald Trump himself, and what he represents.  It’s Brock Turner.  It’s the Rich, White, Wealthy men getting a slap on the wrist for “grabbing by the pussy” or raping an unconscious woman. It’s the fact that our country chose a xenophobic racist billionaire as the president instead of a woman. It’s the fact that, when people do stand up to their perpetrators, their perpetrators often times win with a smirk on their face. I know that my words are maybe a simplified version of the complexities of the election, but the themes cannot be denied.

  This Election is personally triggering for sexual abuse survivors, and for Women, LBGTQ Folk, Men, Minorities, Immigrants, and Underprivileged populations alike, because that same message that one got from society when they were originally assaulted has just been reinserted with the Election:  Someone who is unsafe has power over you and you will be out of control. I encourage those to fight for what they believe in and I strive to illuminate the voice and the experience for sexual abuse survivors who wish to be heard and seen right now.

Bianca Aarons LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist in San Francisco through the auspices of the Grateful Heart Holistic Therapy Center. Bianca’s specialties include attachment, trauma, sexual abuse, post traumatic stress, relationship issues, depression issues, couples work and work with teenagers. Learn more about Bianca at www.biancaaarons.com, email her at BiancaAaronsMFT@gmail.com, or call her at (415) 553-5346 to ask any questions or to set up a consultation session.

How do you know if therapy is working?

It can sometimes be confusing to know if therapy is working, or if it is still working for you over a long period of time.  Sometimes, when we begin going to therapy, it can seem like things are getting worse.  This is something that is valuable to notice and it may be an indicator that the therapy is working, as things can get worst before they get better. Below are some key indicators that therapy is working for you, as slow and long as the process may sometimes seem.

•You feel relieved.

•You feel understood by your therapist.

•You feel safe talking about your life.

•Things start to slowly shift in your life for the better, if not immediately, than within the first Six months.

•You can both like and dislike your therapist at times, because you feel safe enough to have both positive and negative feelings with them.

•You can talk about deeper and deeper things as time goes on.

•You start to think about what to talk about in your next session during the week.

•You miss a week and can’t wait to go the next week.

•You begin to feel more secure because you know that you can rely on therapy to open up your feelings. 

Bianca Aarons LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist in San Francisco through the auspices of the Grateful Heart Holistic Therapy Center. Bianca’s specialties include attachment, trauma, sexual abuse, post traumatic stress, relationship issues, depression issues, couples work and work with teenagers. Learn more about Bianca at www.biancaaarons.com, email her at BiancaAaronsMFT@gmail.com, or call her at (415) 553-5346 to ask any questions or to set up a consultation session.

“YOU’RE A NARCISSIST!”

Thoughts and Advice on Better Understanding and Coping with an Overly Used Label and Tolerating the Pain of a “Narcissistic” Interaction. 

Over the last couple of years, I’ve begun to see a revolution of articles on the topic of Narcissistic personality disorder. I would say that Narcissism is a fairly common disorder to varying degrees and intensities within our generation and the generation before us; it’s not a new disorder. Why, then, is everyone talking about it? I’ve also have more recently started to see articles on the overuse of Narcissism, on the reframe of  “The Narcissist and The Empath” interactions, and on the general meaning of using narcissism as a way to pathologize someone else.

I must admit that I myself am guilty of overusing this word, or using this word as an excuse for very uncomfortable feelings that I am experiencing toward someone when I have felt used by someone or swindled by someone. I am a psychotherapist, I have learned the INS and the OUTS of the meaning of Narcissism, and I can recognize “a narcissist” in a heartbeat based on what I know. So throughout the years of my training, I’ve really began to own why I feel the need to use that word to describe someone, and what pain within me I am defending against, what narcissistic injuries of my own I may be displacing by pathologizing someone else.

Who is a narcissist, what is narcissism, and why are some people narcissistic while others are not?? There are several ways of understanding it.  First of all, lets be clear here:  Everyone should be a narcissist at a young age. This is the appropriate age to experience “Healthy Narcissism”. Think about a baby or a toddler.  It is totally and absolutely essential for a baby or a toddler to be extremely selfish and self centered, for years at a time, and it is the job of a mother to provide absolute and utter selflessness to the extent that they can, in order to buffer an infant from experiencing the pain of not having their needs met. If and when this is achieved, a young child can slowly start to consider the needs of their parent, and therefor, later in life, be able to see past their own needs with other people and partners in their life. When this phase of development is missed, it can continue to be unmet into an adult age, thus on-setting the personality disorder that we know as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It takes being held emotionally to know how to hold others emotionally.

When talking about Narcissistic personality disorder, I would like to make several things very clear. First of all, everyone can be narcissistic in situations or interactions where they feel threatened; i.e. everyone should have the ability to be narcissistic to some extent.   Second of all, narcissism is very much so on a spectrum or a continuum. This continuum can range from “healthy narcissistic behavior” on least extreme end to “sociopathic behavior” on the most extreme end.

There are two main types of Narcissism, known as Deflated (Vulnerable) Narcissism and Grandiose Narcissism. Let’s look at Grandiose Narcissism first, as it is the easiest type of narcissism to identify.  We have all come into contact with a grandiose narcissist at some point or another. They are highly talented, successful, attractive people. They are highly desirable. They seem to have it all: Looks, money, and a successful career. They want to be, or are, famous; and because everyone idealizes them, wants to be friends with them, are willing to bend backwards for them, they lose the necessary accountability for behaving kindly toward other human beings.  Everything is about them because they can get whatever they want. They are very controlling, and thus, will only be in a relationship with someone who is selfless, who can easily be controlled, who is willing to sacrifice their own needs to be with someone “famous” or “special” or “amazing”.  How do we feel when we are in a relationship with someone like this? Usually, one feels constantly afraid that they will be abandon. Or they feel idealized “you are the most beautiful, you are the most special” and then devalued “there are a million people who are better than you and can meet my needs better than you”. And at the root of all of this is a harsh, vicious aggression. After all, controlling someone else can be a form of hatred. Also, someone who is narcissistic will often immediately feel attacked when confronted, and will very quickly have a counter attack. What happens the second you have a need with a grandiose narcissist? They leave you, of course, if this need points to them needing to change their ways in any way, shape or form.

Ok.  Lets take a second to look at deflated narcissism, or the “vulnerable” narcissist. This person is very kind in most cases, they try very hard to please others, and they are overly concerned about how you view them. They are deeply insecure, very fragile, they may constantly ask you if they did something wrong, if you don’t like them, if others don’t like them. They are overly self-involved buy not in an ego driven way. They are preoccupied with themselves, but in a way where they must constantly check whether or not you hate them. This person is in a victim role, is a wounded person, a person who cannot take care of you when you are going through something because they themselves need to be taken care of. This person is ALWAYS the wounded one.  In a relationship with them, there is no space for you to be wounded. Often times these partners or parents are actually quite sweet until you are mad at them for something. They are then too fragile already to admit their mistakes, take on a holding, apologetic role, or let you be a total mess when you are going through something. Lets say that you go through something really serious and traumatizing; you are raped, you lose a close family member, you are held at gunpoint. It would be quite easy to fall into a narcissistic role during a time like this, when you need to be held.  That is what Healthy Narcissism in adulthood looks like. But when you are always the deflated narcissist, it seems that you cannot easily bounce back from your wounded place, and narcissism is more of a permanent position for you.

I would like to point out something that may seem very obvious at this point in my article. The disorder can be set in stone, or it can be fluid. People go through things. People can change. Nothing is set in stone. Narcissism seems to sprout out of some deep, early wounding, and it can be inflamed when something bad happens to us. Why do people who are narcissistic seem to have friends? Yes, look closely; they are not narcissistic with everyone. There is a special interaction between you and them that seems to exasperate this dynamic. What does that say about you? It really is a question to bring to a therapy treatment. But, in short, there is probably someone in your life who is very narcissistic. Or, you probably have some narcissism in relation to this person that is exasperated in this interaction. Sometimes two wounded people can create that.  You don’t have this problem in all of your relationships, and neither do they.

How do you repel a narcissistic person? The first question to ask is, are you sure that you don’t want a relationship with them anymore? This is of the most difficult questions to ask of course, as some of these relationships are probably very special, deep, eye opening, and meaningful. The thing is that, maybe not so unlike you, people who are wounded can also be some of the most creative, special, well-liked people from afar. Often times Narcissistic people are very productive and very successful people. Losing this relationship may actually be quite sad to you. Can the relationship survive? Or has it reached a point that it is too painful, too confusing, and too hard to work through?  Once you have decided, from your heart, that this person isn’t working for you anymore, the next step is to confront them, of course. When confronting someone gently, kindly, softly, the message may not get across. Any negative finger pointed at someone who is truly narcissistic, with a full blast of all of that rage that you have been holding in or all of that blame that you have been directing at yourself instead, will surely insult them to the point of no return. Anytime you directly call someone who is narcissistic out on what they have done, how they have impacted you, why you are so angry at them, that will probably be the end of your relationship for a long time, but probably forever. Be careful what you wish for in this decision. On the rare occasion that they aren’t actually narcissistic, you may be pleasantly surprised to have your anger held and your feelings acknowledged. But it is likely that you’ve at this point been hoping for that fantasy to become true for too long to wait any longer.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that your work here is done once this person is out of your life.  More relationships like this will come if you don’t acknowledge and attempt to heal your own narcissistic wounds. There is something within you that somehow attracts this situation. Honestly, not to be a typical psychotherapist, but it probably has to do with your parents or some other close family member. If someone is so intolerable to you that you must not have them in your life anymore, then that means you have unbearable feelings within you that must also be confronted. Therapy is one of the best places to chip away at the defenses that keep you from accessing this pattern and mastering it.

Bianca Aarons LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist in San Francisco. Bianca’s specialties include attachment, trauma, C-PTSD, sexual abuse, post traumatic stress, relationship issues, depression issues, couples work and work with teenagers. Learn more about Bianca at www.biancaaarons.com, email her at BiancaAaronsMFT@gmail.com, or call her at (415) 553-5346 to ask any questions or to set up a consultation session.

When Fear Shows Itself: Part 2

Thoughts on Working Through Fear.

Baby steps.  That is how you must work through fear, a belief that you are not safe, the terror that it may happen again. The question becomes, How? How do I confront terror? Because as you now know if you have been in an accident, have lost a loved one suddenly, have experienced an abusive relationship, have been sexually abuse, or even have just gotten your heart broken, you may find that you are now afraid that it will happen again. Perhaps at any new moment or with any new person you meet. 

When we have a fear response it often gets stored in the body. Let’s say you have always loved riding your bike until recently, when a car accidentally merged into you and you’ve broken a bone. During the time that it’s taken you to heal, you have replayed the event over and over again in your head. Every time you are in a car and see a bike next to the car you are in, you now replay your accident and are afraid that the biker will be hit.  This is a form of post traumatic stress related to your accident. You’ve always had great associations with bike riding. Now, when you are riding, it is as if every car that passes you on your bike is going to hit you. Maybe you no longer enjoy riding your bike because your bike rides now induce small panic attacks and uncommon spells of fear. Maybe this is an indicator that you should stop riding your bike forever, but probably not.

How do you work through this??? Well, by riding your bike, of course.  We must do the exact thing that scares us in order to learn to not be afraid again. Maybe the first time, or first twenty times, of riding your bike will be terrifying after your accident. But each new time that you ride your bike and not get into an accident is proof that you are in fact safe to ride your bike again. Does this mean that you wont ever get into a bike accident again? I’m sorry, but no. There is some innocence that has been lost when bad things happen to us. We must move through the world with a different awareness that we may not be completely safe.

Confronting your fear is the only way that you will work through it. And how you choose to take this task into your own hands is completely in your control. When you realize that when and how you confront your fear can be your choice, you take some of your power back that you lost when something bad happened to you, totally out of your control.

As a therapist, I specialize in sexual abuse trauma and PTSD related to abusive relationships and incidents where people have been raped, taken advantage of, and exposed to painful relationships with partners and/or caregivers.  Part of what is so painful about this type of betrayal within relationship is that it makes it hard to trust others again. Unfortunately, something that can be so sweet, so good, so exciting and passionate, is now paired with fear. That inherent innocence that we are all capable of when trusting another person has been taken away; now when trying to trust another, all one can think about is what might go wrong if they do. One of the scariest parts of post-traumatic stress in a relationship is that it feels like what happened before may be happening again, whether it is being cheated on or being abused. These feelings and fears make it very difficult to date and/or trust again in relationships.

So again, when working through fear, many would like to jump in and get it over with. I recommend baby steps toward confronting the fear. There are many layers to traumatic incidents that must be explored. When we go into the fear and tell our stories all at once, we may not be resourced; we may not be able to titrate our feelings, bring ourselves out of the fear if we need a break. That is why it’s helpful to have another person to share with. Therapy can be incredibly useful to begin to navigate ones’ needs around healing an event like this. I notice that when one talks about a traumatic event in therapy, they often forget that they can feel ok again. I will often remember something that they told me they enjoy, such as friends, family, or a happy memory, and I will remind them of this to bring them back to an ok place.  Other resources may include yoga, chocolate, your dog, a book… you get the point. Everyone has their own unique resources that feel good to them. Therapy can be used to identify what your resources are, so when you experience that fear again while dating, while riding your bike, and within relationships, you now have a map to resource yourself. When we confront the fear, we often return to the fear state that we were in when the traumatic event happened; maybe this is a freeze response, maybe it’s a flight response. Maybe we cling again to someone like we did before, even if they aren’t who we need. It’s really important to learn how to breathe, and it’s really helpful to have someone you trust to tell you to breathe again, and to help you identify what’s happening.

It might seem like you will never recover, like you will be afraid forever. I want to tell you that your fear can be worked through. Your decisions are possibly being made out of a place of fear, but as you confront your demons, you can begin to make decisions out of a place of love again. Just as the seasons change, our emotions can too, with gentleness and a guiding hand.

Bianca Aarons LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist in San Francisco through the auspices of the Grateful Heart Holistic Therapy Center. Bianca’s specialties include attachment, trauma, sexual abuse, post traumatic stress, relationship issues, depression issues, couples work and work with teenagers. Learn more about Bianca at www.biancaaarons.com, email her at BiancaAaronsMFT@gmail.com, or call her at (415) 553-5346 to ask any questions or to set up a consultation session.